Phase 599.5. Complete…

1st September 2020

I can’t believe is September already! I’m up at half eight today. It’s nice to be up early and not feel like crap. Actually it’s nice being up early at all as it’s been quite while. Today I went to the local care home for a chat and to apply to be a volunteer. I have the form and I’ll be popping it back this afternoon. So it’s now official. I’m moving into caring. Assuming of course that I vibe with it once I’ve been volunteering for a bit. This is a toe in the water as is were. I got dressed in my nicest casuals and then thought ‘Let’s make a good impression. After all, first impressions last.’ So I put on a crisp white shirt and off I trot…

I spoke to one of the admin team all masked up in the car park. I explained my background and how it had affected me and why I wanted to be a carer. I wanted to be completely up front about my having never done ANY care work and still I got amazingly positive feedback. Still not used to it.

I’ll need to pop to the office to ask for references. It would be a good time to check in with the bosses. I’m still not happy with how Mr Angry dealt with the whole redundancy thing. I ask how much I’m going to be paid and when and the answer from my boss was apparently “I think that’s more than fair.” What bloody question did he ask then!? I don’t want to burn my bridges. Caring or not, I would go back if asked.

My eldest daughter is 28 today and I’m finally going to visit. I’ll have to be really strong to cope with the whole thing so I’m mentally preparing. Just being there will be difficult.

I’m sat in Costa contemplating. My “grief buddy” from the bereavement forum popped up out of the blue last night. Bless her, she’s having an awful time of it. Claims she has lost her faith. Given I’m an atheist I’m really not in a position to give much comfort with that so I just tried emphasise having faith in herself instead. It seemed to cheer her up a bit. Nice.

I’m home now. Today has been so exhausting. I was ok on the drive down there until, as expected, on the approach to Buster Hill I start getting flashbacks. Our first drive together when I got my license back after my epilepsy. The times we went to see the burning of the Wicker Man. Countless trips into the countryside with the kids. Just… Ugh. Had a good cry going through there and sorted myself out by the time I got to my fathers. It was so good to see him. He understands how difficult it was for me to go down there. As does my daughter. She made a point of telling me how well she thought I had done even being there. Bless her. Love her so much.

Traditionally, any visit to the Mouth requires a burger from the famous van on top of the hill. It’s been there since I was tiny! My Princeling has always loved them and asked me to get one. I should have known better. My Lady and I spent countless evenings sat up there in various places cuddling and watching the sun set. It was our thing… Always was. Every beautiful sun set I see now hurts so much. How am I supposed to deal with that one? Not only that, but there was a huge queue so I had to stand there for twenty minutes trying not to cry.

So I eat my burger, sat watching the view I’ve seen a million times but this time the city is empty. There’s only Wolverine left there. Really strange feeling I can tell you. Looking at your home town and feeling nothing but memories and nostalgia. I knock back my can of red bull and get going. I’d had enough. I wished I could teleport home. Is really going to be like that every time? Logically it will get easier but it will never go away to the day I die. Yet more motivation to emigrate later in life. Or at least relocate. I took the motorway route home instead this time but, you’ve guessed it, triggered. Its impossible not to be. We must have gone that route a thousand times. There’s one particular spot and one particular memory that outweighs all the others. It was unforgettable and as I drive along, I’m replaying the whole journey in my mind… Owch, again…

I’m sat in the garden now having my last smoke of the day, contemplating the days evenings and my reaction to them. So much pain. I tried not to show it.

I think I’ll do a race and go to bed. Funny. After an hours drive, I go racing to relax… Go figure.