This last week has been rough. Since the anniversary of mum’s passing, I’ve have some major triggers a few days running. Bored now… It’s been quite a while since the last, but as I mentioned previously, I’ve been waiting for a big one to slay me. Even so it always comes as a shock. That still hasn’t changed.
I can’t be bothered to go through the last few days. Suffice to say they were less than pleasant. Today I went down to the cafe to meet up with the next steps group. They know I’ve been struggling and really made an effort to check in with me.
30th August 2020.
Made it an hour before my first cry this morning. Better than yesterday. The weather has finally dried out and the whole neighbourhood is out hoovering their lawns, me included. It’s been a while since I’ve been motivated to work in the garden, weather aside. After I made my lawn nice and stripey, I pruned the red rose I purchased as a little Valentines pot many years ago. It’s taller than I am now. Sprayed them with fungicide. I seem to be on top of that. Even the Ground Elder is dying off… Finally. Jakes tree has gone mental again and Jakes Honeysuckle is recovering from the Aphid infestation. Just need to weed My Lady’s bed and I’ll have a pit stop and think about what to do next. I still haven’t finished painting the fence. I’m sat having a pit stop right now and listening to The Queen of Everything again… It struck me this morning that six months is nothing, even though it feels like an eternity.
I’ve not sat here staring at the garden for what seems like months. Should have a bonfire really. Get things cleared down for the start of college and hopefully a new job soon. Getting a bit chilly now. I’ll see what the weathers going to do.
It’s my eldest daughters birthday this week. 28 years old… Crazy. It will be so nice to see her and finally meet my new granddaughter. I’ll see my Dad too. Hopefully we can see Wolverine. I haven’t wanted to be anywhere near the Mouth for a long time. I’m not looking forward to being there one bit, but the desire to see them is finally winning out.
So the bonfire is built, the beds are weeded, the Roses and Honeysuckle are sprayed. Now what? Tonight would have been a perfect night for a social. BBQ, bonfire, few drinks… My Princeling is fed and is staying at his friends house tonight. I have the house to myself again. Not sure how I feel about that… Again. Oh well. Might as well carry on in the garden for now. Pointless hoovering until I’m finished out there anyway.
So everyone is fed now and I’m about to go and see my newly adopted sister and brother. I’ve owed them a visit for too long.
30th August 2020.
Interesting evening last night. Once I knew I was going to see them I went and freshened up and for the first time in months, I actually heard My Lady’s voice in my head rather than knowing her answer before the question is asked. I talk to her all the time, especially in our bedroom where I have her ashes. “You need this baby.” She said. My Lady and I were always crazy about sunsets. Before we left the Mouth, we spent countless evenings on the hill watching a beautiful tapestry of pastel colours changing before our eyes. When we first went to Croatia, we were almost obsessed one day about catching a sunset while we were there. We weren’t disappointed. On the way to see my newly adopted brother and sister, sunset had just begun. Around halfway there, the road curves round to the West and I’m simply stunned by one of the most beautiful sunsets I’ve ever seen and as I said, I’ve seen quite a few! It was amazing. Random rainbow shimmers here and there, sunbeams poking out in various places. The shadow play on the different cloud layers was like something out of a Sci-Fi movie. Again I heard My Lady’s voice just saying… “Wow!” When I arrived, the sun had just dipped below the horizon and all that was left were soft pink and purple bands in the sky. Like a colour wash with water colours. Sat in the garden smoking and what should appear? Pipistrelle bats. My Lady’s favourite. “Yay!” I hear her say. She used to get so excited when they came. From my point of view, I felt like I was being poked by My Lady. In the end I even said thank you to her in my mind knowing full well that it was and always is just a random sequence of events that coincidentally happens to overlay memories. Like two transparent images. When they line up, the connection is felt more strongly, as the image matches memories. I still think its weird how being so desperate to see someone again can make you see a “sign” in anything or even everything. I kind of understand how some people turn to religion during times of grief. I asked my questions to the Cosmos and every God I could think of while My Lady was in hospital… No, really.
I got my answer…
Existential crisis much…
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 