Hubris or not? That is the question…

27th August 2020.

Woke up in a strange mood today. Not depressed or up. Dropped my Princeling into town earlier. I stopped by Costa and it was full. Ugh. Not sure what I’m going to do today. Probably going to drop into see Work Husband for a bit. Today is flying by! Can’t believe it’s gone two already. I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do with this blog in the long run. I have repeatedly been told by various people and people who should know, that I should put this into a book at some point. I’m wrestling with this idea. I’m not doing this to boost my ego so it feels very strange when people say these things. Last thing I want is to come across as an ego maniac. My ego is the lowest it’s ever been I think. My counsellors, doctor and teacher friends have all said the same. For differing reasons but still… This year just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

Some people I know find the fact that I’m sharing my inner most publicly very cringey. My Lady was a very private woman so I understand the sentiment. There is no way she would have done this in a million years. At least not publicly, not like this anyway. I’m sure she would hate it. I also know she would have understood. She did the same thing. She just didn’t share it personally. Other than with me.

So I’m not going to worry too much about how anyone else feels about this. It’s for me, just me. If it can help anyone else, then great, I would share it. It is a painful read if you are close to me though, that much is true.

Finish this later…

Yet another rudderless day, not knowing what to do with myself. It’s dragging out again so I need to get my shit together and do something useful. I spent another couple of hours job searching and researching this morning and it knackered me out. I don’t like it when I get like this. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. Still, at least I know I CAN pull myself out of it.

I stopped at Costa again in the hope of getting a seat this time. I’ve just been talking to Mums sister. Another beautiful soul. Her late husband was buried on the same day as her sister died the year before. I can’t wait to go and see her. It feels like so long ago, but it was at the funeral, less than six months ago. She really understands what I’m going through. I need to spend some time with her if she’d like to. Although my Dad has been through this when he lost my step mum, his interpretation of grief really doesn’t fit mine. Indeed there’s no reason to expect it to. Everyone is different. Mums sister (I’ll think of a name later) seems to have gone through the same vibes as me. More than anyone I have met. I trust her advice implicitly. I do my dads but I need to process more with his advice. Mums sisters advice seems to just slot into my way of thinking with no effort.

I’ll nip home to walk Mr C after this and then go and visit “Work Husband” for a bit. His ex wife is there and it will be lovely to finally meet her. By all accounts she sounds like a lovely person…

28th August 2020.

We had a nice time at Work Husbands. His ex is lovely and has the cutest daughter. Along with his niece, they were great company.

I dropped my Princeling in to town just now. I seem to be getting used to this being on my own thing. Maybe that’s just today’s vibe as I’ve been desperately lonely on and off recently. Fortunately I’m seeing people more often these days. It’s been lovely. Can’t wait to see my newly adopted sister and brother again. I miss them both lots.

I had a free careers consultation this morning. It was very helpful. I have a plan of attack and some direction now… Finally. I hope it works out. One thing I’ve learned this year is anything is possible, good and bad. For the first time I’m feeling positive about our future. That’s a weird feeling. There’s a bit of guilt with it. I’ll just have to deal with that like all the other regrets one has when you lose someone close.

So I’ll finish here at Costa, grab some shopping and crack on with the job searching…