Nuff now…

26th August 2020.

I got sick of feeling sorry for myself and went out for a coffee. I even procrastinated over that. This seems to be one of those days where my whole circle are feeling insular. Been very quiet today. I think I needed that nap. Coffee and food and I feel semi with it now.

Trouble is, I still don’t know what to do with myself. Mums passing anniversary has not been a good day. Only came out to change the scenery. In my infinite wisdom I left the house at 5:25pm. Great time to go out for coffee. They have the music turned up way too loud in here. Ear splitting screams of a couple of kids a few tables away. Ugh, not what I had in mind and definitely not my usual Coffee experience. What a waste of time. I’ll slug this coffee and go. Note to self… Check the time before leaving. Hot dog stuffed crust all over again… Meh.

Great, so I’m back where I started. There must be somewhere I can go just to be at peace for a bit. Back in the Mouth there were countless places you could go and be with nature or spend time reflecting. The beach… I should make the effort to go down there. Trouble is, when I did go down to the opposite island, just looking at Mouth island from across the water… Trigger. Even driving home was a trigger. I must have pounded thousands of miles into the roads down there.

Talking of triggers… On the way home, I popped into Morrison’s for some Cherry Coke Cans and Marlboro cigarettes. (My Lady’s favourites.) Pure self serving grief spend. I’ve been struggling to not completely break down all day. I’m not shy of crying believe me but this is different. After two days of not crying it makes it even harder to cope with. Kind of like reliving the loss. I resent it.

So as soon as I set foot in Morrison’s, Bam! I walk past the flower stand where I’ve purchased countless flowers for My Lady. Bam! Past the salad bar we used to get our Saturday lunch from when we had finished the Academy lesson. Bam! Past the hot food counter where we always got a Cumberling (Yes it’s spelled correctly) ring for my Princeling. I collect my cherry coke and go to the tobacco counter. Bam! Again. And before I had even finished the last three. What is going on today? I knew it wouldn’t be great so why am I always surprised? I can barely function now. I’ve been fighting it all day. Got through College enrolment, managed to get some job stuff done intermittently between breakdowns and gorming at my screen… Finish this later…

Gorming again…

I keep thinking of all the times we have driven down to the Mouth to see Mum, struggling to find parking every time. Some crazy fun drives, I’ll take some of them to my grave. I really don’t want to make that journey ever again but obviously I have to face up to it at some point. Soon too.

Arrgghh! I’m trying so hard to shift my mind from the two losses. I still have photos of both of them all over the house. I want a drink. Not said that in a while. If this doesn’t shift soon I’m calling the GP. Last time my mood fell off a cliff like this, the GP doubled my antidepressant dose. I still can’t get my head around how sometimes, I slip back to the first few weeks. Less often now but still…

I feel more lonely today than I have in months. No amount of friends or family will fix that one. I’m just really bloody sad today…