This whole on and off, up and down nature of grief never gets any easier to process. I am used to having crappy days for a bit, then I have really crappy days. It’s been going on so long. It won’t ever stop either. I understand that now. The only thing that changes is how far the emotional pendulum swings. So far anyway.
Today has been a strange one. I have spent nearly four hours on the phone today! I spoke to a friend who lost her partner 3 years ago now. I’d not spoken to her for quite a while so it was really nice to catch up with her. If there’s one person in my life other than my Father who would understand what this shit show called grief is like… It’s her. Again, much needed.
Having lost a few hours on the phone I quickly realised that it was fast approaching dinner time but my mind was still at around half ten! Neither of us were that enamoured with what we had , so I nipped out for some nice fings. Interesting… I haven’t been triggered in Tesco for months… It was the first place I could go and not fall apart. It didn’t take long either. Grabbed some fruit and bread and bam! Can’t think what the exact trigger was. Maybe just being there and my mind…. Oh who knows…I started thinking to myself ‘I want something of My Lady’s for comfort.’ and started looking for something, I had no clue what. Realising what I was doing, I made it easy on myself and just grabbed the nearest bag of chocolate for bedtime…
So today has been a stark contrast to yesterday. Despite the triggering and all, I still haven’t cried today. Damn close a few times, but no. It puts yesterday into a new perspective. Sharing ones thoughts and feelings personally can be a great thing. It’s one thing doing it here, sending the link in a fit of hubris then regretting it instantly, it’s another sat opposite each other. Not had much of that in recent times. The fact that its someone completely new is great. I’m very different… I always wonder what My Lady’s colleagues would think of me if they really knew me. I’m not dodgy, very weird, but not dodgy in anyway for the record but I’m still reticent about opening right up. My Lady has painted a beautiful picture of me to her friends and colleagues and part of me would like to leave that image right where it is. I think knowing me would change that… Maybe?…
It’s also good getting to know someone from scratch. Sad as it sounds I haven’t had to do that for years. I had no need to go out and meet new people. I had my people and they were at home or on the phone. Regardless it has been a very nice process and I feel like I am making a real friend so far. That’s two strong positives this week.
Finish this later…
Evening…
So my Princeling, Mr C and Mr T have all been fed, I made a chicken Bhuna for myself but I doubt I’ll eat it. I’m sure it’s tasty but I’ve gone off it. All I’ve had today is a couple of Greg’s sausage rolls earlier. Never been a fussy eater before… Funny.
I wish Mr T would shut up. It’s not his fault but the double dissonant meow is getting to me a little. I’ll give him a cuddle, maybe that will make him happy. He is lovely…
College enrolment tomorrow morning. Another life event missed. I know Mum would be so proud. Everything looks OK regarding college. Still job hunting. It’s mind boggling at times. It’s even harder now as after I opened my mind to the possibility of being a carer that naturally leads me to realise that I can try literally anything. How do you search up “Anything”? Talking to my friends has helped. Fresh eyes on the situation. Crazy times. Yet another new hat to try on. When will it end and I finally have a career I can see myself retiring from? I might only be 45 but believe me dear reader, I feel 145 right now. Retirement doesn’t seem that far away after this last year… Surreal.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of my Mother in law’s death last year. I can’t believe it’s been a year already! It shows how my world ended in February as my perception of this is that it was only six or so months ago. If that. Before I know it, it’ll be a year since My Lady passed… Surreal…
Before that though we have my civil anniversary with My lady. We had a Civil wedding AND a Hand-Fasting. This is on Halloween. Our “Hallowversary.” Then the 3rd anniversary of my Step-Mums death in November, our beloved cat, 3 days before Christmas, Christmas (Will be awful) and then around we go again. I’m too young for this crap. There’ll be no one left by the time I’m 50. That’s only just over four years away… Say what now?… I used to joke about my personality swinging from 19 to 90 years old but that is a bit real for my liking.
I’ve had the mediation ocean waves and the like on pretty much all day. The sound of the waves makes me sad as My Lady always loved it. It’s comforting for the same reason. The sea has always been one of our contemplating places since… Well, forever. Even long before we met and we were children. My dear friend and newly adopted sister asked me to turn it off when she came round. Obviously I was more than happy to oblige. It’s easy for me to forget the rest of the world isn’t listening to the same sounds as me. Hermit that I am. The last thing I want to do is be a trigger for anyone. I used to like the idea of ‘Hermitting’. Or rather we did. Not so keen now. My thoughts are a bit random today as you might have noticed. The tunes are keeping my mindset in that place. I forgot about that. I often play this type of music because it holds me in one emotional place. Not the happiest places, oh no! But it’s better than the trauma. I’d rather be sad all day than OKish, broken, OKish, broken any day.
I sat at my PC drinking Red Bull and eating Minstrels wondering what to do next. The Formula 2000 championship has moved to a track I haven’t purchased and after the night race fiasco, I can’t be bothered anyway.
This one is probably my favourite. I’ve had it on repeat for an hour now.
Might have a play on the ancient BF1942 tonight, just for something different. Need to be up nice and early for tomorrow.
I’ll probably be blogging again later though!
Laters…x
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 