So what now?… Again…

Went to the Next Steps meeting at the cafe again this week. I met the gent who I had been talking to on the weekly Cruse Zoom drop in meetings. Good to finally meet him. I also had a good chat with the lady who runs the group and met her colleague who will be leading the group at times. Interestingly I found that in a very short time I was spilling it all to her, racing through my life story before I knew it. Clearly I felt safe talking to her. It was fascinating on one level because as we were talking, I realised that for the most part, I am already either practising known self help techniques or in some way “Doing all the right things.”. I still don’t like hearing that even though I have seen a hint of it myself. I don’t know if it’s the antidepressants though that’s the trouble. I’m told that I will need to stay on them for a considerable time after I feel “better” or I could simply relapse and end up where I started. Heart problems and all. Not keen…

Both times I’ve gone to Next Steps, I’ve come away feeling pretty down but with a hint of positivity from the chat with Mrs Counsellor this time. Yet another contradiction. I know I’ve said this before but it reminds me of how young My Lady was. This combined with my social anxiety, makes me feel like a kid with these lovely people. Awks much… Think I’ll have a bath. I need a change of headset. I feel myself slipping into wallow mode.

Finish this later…

Just had the longest soak. My skin is silky smooth and I smell divine. Noice. While in the bath I put on some ocean waves and thunder on my phone. Listening to it takes me to some of the happiest times with My Lady. Every time I go into my bedroom I talk to Her. Usually starting with throwing my hands in the air saying “What da fuuuck baby!!?” to her. It’s the one time she never replies automatically. I guess because none of us have been through this, never mind grieving as well. I’m still using all of her products. In fact I’ve replaced some of it twice. I also wear her perfume. I don’t care what people think. She used to use a quick squirt on the way out to work every morning and when I gave her the daily kiss goodbye, I would inhale the heady mixture of her perfume, still not evaporated and her own scent in a big breath every time. I love the stuff. Now I’m downstairs I’m Airplaying the waves to my AVR. Apart from being cleaner, I don’t really feel any different. Well that’s annoying. What can I do then? Can’t listen to music, can’t play guitar, the house is pretty clean, the garden isn’t too bad but the weather’s crap anyway. Could do a race but that seems frivolous during the day. God knows why.

It would have been my Mother in law’s 66th birthday today. It’s the anniversary of her death in a few days. I miss her so much. She was another beautiful soul just like My Lady. She inspired My Lady. I used to love our little jaunts down there to see her. The car journeys were fun too mostly, holding each others hand on the motorway, singing songs…

Just thought… I don’t think anyone has died in September… Maybe a better month.

Laters… x