“C’mon Thunder!…”

18th August 2020.

I have one question today… Where the hell has my storm gone? Not now… Just… Not now… Oh look, there it is… Going in the opposite direction…

So today I am fighting the good fight in order to get things done. It’s taking the biggest effort to do anything. I think I’m starting to snap out of it a little. It’s the same cycle again and again. I have a few ‘good’ days, then a trigger followed by a few dark downer days. The ratio varies wildly and unpredictably. This cycle has been even more infuriating. The downer is dragging out this time. I’m bored with it now and sitting here looking at my messy house getting angry with myself for letting it slide… Again. This anger is usually productive but not always. Whatever, the house is clean again and I’m cracking on with more job searching. Lets see what the rest of today holds… Oh joy… Can’t wait…

Hmm.. I said above that I think I’m snapping out of it. Not so much. Emotionally its like trying to dance the Cha-Cha on a giant razor blade over a pit of hungry Crocodiles a-la Indiana Jones. You can only take one route. Left or right, you die. Give up, you get sliced in half… So yet again stepping into the dark, sword flailing around with bloodied feet and pride, hoping the sword doesn’t connect with… Well, anything…

So now I’m going deaf it seems. Talked to the doctor yet again and I have an appointment. They’re not overly concerned but its an unwelcome (for once) distraction. My balance is off. I’m sure my audio system is playing up but can’t trust my ears at the moment. I can’t even play guitar properly as it constantly sounds off in some way. Fun times…

Finished cleaning and straight away I felt myself slipping again. Not having any of it so I had a Lush bath, groomed my beard and so on. Ok, the house is mostly clean, washing is nearly finished and I smell divine… Now what? Oh yes… Poor me… Rest assured dear reader I am fighting this urge to wallow in self pity with all my might. This is not the time…

I’ll finish this post this evening.

It looks like I can trust my ears after all. The audio issue I mentioned sounded like it was on a really low bit rate. Like it was under water. The quality was set to auto. Weird. At least my system isn’t up the creek. Sounds great again. So why did my guitar sound crappy last night? I suspect the potentiometers on the amp are dirty as some have a slight crackle when turned but I’m not sure how much that would contribute to the crap tone. Ugh, another mystery. Great.

My dear friend and newly adopted sister is popping round shortly. I really owe them a visit. Must arrange that. Another symptom of the hibernating mode I’ve been in. Missing people like crazy but the thought of going out… Sometimes it’s too much.

The more I think about it, the more I feel I can’t do this social media thing for Lothario. Not so much because I don’t think I can, despite my recent lows. Precious did this stuff in her degree. She would smash this easily and we could all use the extra pennies. I wound myself up so much over it like a muppet. Drama Queen much. I’ll tell Lothario tonight.

My dear friends and adopted sister and brother both came round in the end. I had a Tarot reading with her new deck. I don’t know why I’m surprised but it was bang on. She has no idea. All the messages the cards gave were all thoughts I had been having about life, my emotional and spiritual (Such as it is) state.

Yet again, them coming round just showed me how pathetically lonely I am most days. Honestly, when my newly adopted sister said she was coming round, I almost did a fist pump! I’m STILL fighting the urge to wallow in self pity. For the most part I’m winning… Finally. My newly adopted sister suggested, again, that I should try being a carer. Every time she has said it, my automatic response is a big belly laugh. But she is serious. She thinks I would make a lovely carer. What the hell? I still think it’s the weirdest thing anyone has said to me. I know I need to think out of the box now but that is as far out of the box as it gets for me! I’ll investigate and see what happens. And I thought this year couldn’t get any weirder…