Like I said… ANYTHING ELSE?!…

12th August 2020.

So my gay best friend has a dangerous medical condition and he keeps putting off getting it seen to. His partner has been nagging him too so I gave him a bollocking this morning. On top of that, my dear friend and adopted sister might have the same thing after her tattoo. She however is right on it. I know what it’s like when you know you should get medical help but keep putting it off. However, I’m rather pissed of with him. Selfishly, after everything that has happened this year, the thought of losing anyone else… Just no. That would be the end of me. How many loved ones have to die before I’m permanently broken. Assuming I’m not already. I’m still waiting for the ultimate emotional freight train that will just slay me. I’ve been crying lots this week.

My Lady and Precious were on holiday together a few years ago today… Cry… This time last year we were in Croatia… Cry…I won’t be going back there. I’ll leave that beautiful bubble right there. It would break my heart to be there without My Lady.

My Mother in law passed away a year ago in a few weeks and my mother a month later. How many shit anniversaries are we going to have to deal with going forward? Logical I know but there won’t be single month of the year where I’ll have a break. I always knew that the older you get, people start passing more. In my case however, the Cosmos seems to be playing catch up for my younger years being relatively bereavement free. 9 close loved ones in the last 15 years. Recently I’m averaging 2 per year. Ffs. What did I do to deserve this?

Sat in Costa again. Don’t know what to do with myself today. My mind is not helping work wise. Incredibly frustrating. I’ve been given an easy opportunity to earn a bit of money and I just can’t get motivated… Again.

Listening to “The Queen of Everything” again. Seriously I just want to stop… Just stop… Everything… I still feel like I don’t want this life without My Lady in it. It’s only the kids and close friends that have kept me going. Shocking as it may be, dear reader, if we lived in a gun country, I wouldn’t be here blogging. I’d have pulled the trigger in the first week. You only have to be desperate enough for a split second. Easy… Cowardly… The ultimate in selfish acts. I just want my baby back… I’m done here for now. Crying in Costa isn’t a good look…

Luckily I still have a couple of months to find a job. Yes I know… Hypocrite… It’s no different from my friend is it? Go figure.

The Cruse Bereavment charity has recommended I move on to the next steps program. I really don’t think I’m ready and I bonded with the people in the online zoom drop ins. I think I will miss them. I think they feel the same as they said such nice things when the last meeting finished. I’ve tried calling “ Next Steps” twice but have always got the voicemail. I’ll try again today but I’m getting anxiety about moving on, counselling wise.