9th August 2020
Sat in Costa again this lunchtime. Seems a good place for me to chill and write this drivel. I’m as near to genuinely relaxed here as I’ve been in quite a while. Strange, given that it reminds me of this poor guy who used to sit in the pub I used to work in. He lost his wife and has spent pretty much all day, every single day since he lost her sat in the pub sipping his drink. I used to really feel for him but obviously could never understand. Until now. I totally get it. My Lady and I haven’t spent much time here so minimal triggers. Still, watching the world carry on… That still hurts. I say “still” as though I should have expected it to have stopped by now. Not at all. Not a minute goes by where I don’t think of what she is missing. How ridiculously unfair this whole thing is. I mean… This kind of shit only happens to other people right? If only. I’m in denial this morning. I put off the research yesterday, convincing myself I should be better tomorrow and will be able to crack on. I’m not quite as bad as yesterday but it’s still there. “Simmering” under the surface, waiting for the slightest poke or trigger to burst out again. That’s another irritating part of it. The anxiety that causes just adds to the heady mix. Anxiety about having an anxiety attack… and around we go. As you can see it’s not much fun.
So once I’m done here I’ll have to go back to pretending I’m ok, going through the motions of housework, etc etc. Probably so I can procrastinate over the work stuff. I’ve no idea why my anxiety works like that when I know full well that the only way to get rid of the feeling is to meet head on whatever is causing it. I’ve always known this. Does it change anything? Of course not! Man I’m seriously messed up. The fact that I’m fully aware of how messed up I am is even more crazy. Oh, for a world class psychologist! I have learned more than I ever realised about my psyche from My Lady. (She was a psychologist as well as a teacher) it’s infuriating. I’m stuck in a logic loop on that. ‘If only she could she how I’ve changed.’ ‘If she was still here, I wouldn’t have changed… Would I?’
The sad thing is, I doubt I would have changed. Or at least quickly enough to make My Lady truly happy. Everything about us was awesome. In 13 years My Lady did not once, and I mean not once, do anything that I would consider mean, disrespectful, spiteful or anything else for that matter. Only if I gave her just cause. And I knew it. I always knew it. From experience, I know I’ll never find anyone else like her. Indeed, I don’t want to. I’ve spent masses of time contemplating and reflecting. I’ve run through every single person I can remember meeting in my life and not one even comes close… Not one. That’s 45 years and not one. As mentioned in a previous blog, I’ll never trust anyone like I trust My Lady. Every other relationship I’ve had, I’ve been crapped on left, right and centre. Partly due to my naivety and stupidity and partly due to my awful choice in partners. It’s no wonder My Lady swept me off my feet. Ooohh how I have learned those lessons! Precisely why I’ll never trust again…
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 