So long and thanks for all the fish…

After being on compassionate leave for 6 weeks then furloughed for months, I had seriously got out of work mode. I was expecting to return to work on the 4 August. Then in our weekly online company meeting we are told redundancies will be happening.

My managers perception of me is the old, beta, almost pathetic man with no drive and a memory like a sieve. (That bit was correct for a while, especially after my seizure in 2016.) After everything that has happened this year I have had no choice but to man up and in some ways, grow up. The old beta me has been dead for a while and I had alluded to this when chatting with colleagues. “You’ll have to get used to a new me guys.” I told them when I still had a job.

So when it came to my redundacy consultation with my line manager and his manager, they were both shocked that I wasn’t just blowing hot air. My manager (Mr Angry from now on) was just staring at me, mouth open, shaking his head. In short I changed his mind. As we finished and I was walking out, Mr Angry says to his boss “Can we have another chat about this?”

I knew damn well I was for the chop, but it was fascinating seeing Mr Angry’s reaction. If nothing else I proved to myself I can hold my own with these people and they are very hard to impress, being a bunch of used car salesmen driven by numbers. I even called them on wasting 20 odd minutes telling me how bad they felt and how they didn’t want to do it. “C’mon guys, we’re going round in circles, saying the same thing again and again, lets crack on shall we?” Why do I give a shit how they feel about it? Doesn’t change a damn thing. Indeed I got the old line “If we need someone again, you will be the first we call.” Great, another pointless platitude.

After four years at the place, I really had grown to like almost everyone. Even loved some of them. Some real gems there. My boss, the CEO… I’ll be forever grateful for the experiences I had there. He took the whole company to Croatia in 2018. My Lady and I were blown away. He blasted us around on his personal rib at 80 mph at times. My Lady and I were so happy there. I bonded with everyone a lot on that holiday. More than any other place of work. When My Lady passed away, the funeral plan was so new, it didn’t pay out. My Lady’s bestie and her hubby, adopted family now, started a fundraiser for her funeral. The outpouring of love and donations completely threw me. Not as much as when my boss doubled the companies contribution AND lent me the money for the funeral deposit. What a boss eh?

So as you can imagine after financially planing for the next 18 months, (No mean feat for my lame ass I can tell you.) it’s all useless now. So yet more uncertainty. I have lived on benefits, sick benefit for 6 years when I broke my back and grew up on benefits. As My Lady and I had worked our way out of poverty, my Princeling has no experience of being poor. Poor is a very relative term and he grew up in a newly middle class family and knows no different.

So into the darkness I go, swinging my sword like a legend. Hubris maybe, but I have to “Be the storm” if my family and I are to survive this on top of everthing else. Once more unto the breach dear friends. Yet another major upheaval to deal with. I’m either going to end up a real pro at this life shit or end up dead in a gutter somewhere.

No one is going to save me, no one is going to make me feel better… The ONLY person I trusted in the whole world is gone. Still doesn’t feel real…